I stare at the wreckage in front of me.

Pieces scattered all over the floor, like a broken china.

I bent down and picked one up after another, trying to put it all together, trying to make sense of the mess before me.

My fingers bleed, and tears wet my cheek.

But I didn't stop.

Because these pieces are my life,  and no matter how painful or hard it is, I have to make it work.

Because this is my life.

We don't get a second chance in living our life, after all.

Watashi no jinsei kaeshite kudasai.

Hai. Selamat Hari Raya.

Hari Raya ae? Hmm. Aku sbnanye tak terasa pun suasana hari raya tu. Sebab apa aku kurang pasti lah tapi yang penting raya taun ni cam tak semeriah yang aku expect.

Tapi tu cerita lain. Kita simpan untuk hari lain.

Harini, aku nak bukak crita lain. Cerita di mana hidup selalu tak adil... dengan aku.

Aku taktau berapa banyak kali dah aku mengomel benda yang sama. Hidup tak pernah adil dengan aku.

Certain will say, ala.. lex lah. Normal la hidup camtu. You don't live in a world where everything you want will be in your hands. No. There are some things you have to learn to let go.

Aku rasa, dalam dua dekad aku hidup ni, aku boleh dikira penyabar la kot. Campak la ape pun kat aku, aku tak kesah. Paling2 aku nangis. Marah sesikit. Sentap sekejap ke. Pastu esok ok lah balik.

Sebab tu aku rasa aku still survive hidup dalam keadaan camni. Haha.

Oh, I'm well aware. I am, in most parts of my life, more fortunate than others. I'm not rich, no, but my finances are satisfactory. I'm not a genius, no, but I still manage to survive till my completed 1st year Degree with satisfactory results (according to me, that is). I have close friends, whom bonds are like siblings to me.

Tak, hidup aku tak perfect. Just enough, orang kata. Maa maa desu.

So, where exactly is the unfairness, you would ask.

Let me just clarify one.

I completely lost my freedom. Or rather, I never had one, and was never given one.

You see, I live with my path already set out for me. I live by how others around me dictate, where to walk, where to turn, where to stop. At first, I was contented with that. So long as I follow what they say, I'll be safe and sound.

But then as I grow up, I realized. A young bird will eventually leave it's nest. And so will I, one day.

Young birds are taught the necessary skills they need to survive by their own later when they leave by their own. They are taught to hunt, to find shelter, to build their own nest.

But when I look back at my past, I see nothing. I don't see the skills that should be equipped by me as I grow up. I fail at house chores, cooking, mannerisms, directions, personal relations and a lot more. It's as if, up until now, I never once move my legs to my will. It's all their will, but never mine.

Going shopping by my own, or going to a friend's house for a visit, or even to discuss schoolworks. I never had the chance for any of them. Not once.

Am I the idiot then? For letting them bind me in this silver cage?

Should I have screamed out my voice earlier in my life then, to make them see that I too, have a life of my own?

I know, they're family. They're the ones who brought me to the world, and without them I wouldn't be here.

But really, is it wrong to only ask of a simple wish? I am not rebelling, I'm just asking for something that was originally mine.

Give me back my rights to my life. Let me learn to walk by my own feet, moved by my own will.

Moments.

"You either grab a moment, or let it pass. "

For the decades that I have lived, I think that I have chosen the latter choice, when those moments came to my life.

Moments when I should have done something about it, but I let it pass.

Moments when I should have treasured it, but I let it pass.

Moments when I should let it immerse myself in temporary happiness, but I let it pass.

Is that stupidity,  I wonder?
Or was there other reasons that led me to let it pass rather than grabbing it and make it mine?

But maybe, just maybe, some of those moments are better off passed.

Because maybe, some of those moments are not meant for me.

Right?

Rant for (myself)

0348. And am not asleep. 

But I will in a minute, after this post.

-sigh-

It might be odd coming from me myself, but frankly, I... don't like myself.

I would've said hate, but hate is such a strong word, innit? I do not like myself, yes, but not to the point of wholeheartedly hating myself.

Cuz, that's just silly, rite?

What I don't like about me the most is, I never learn. Haha. No matter how you put it, my heart, and sometimes my mind, is stubborn. Hard-hearted. Towards what I think is true.

That's annoying right? The way where it seems that your body, your mind, and your heart ain't synch-ing with each other. Each have their own little piece of mind to argue with each other.

See, I never liked being someone else's interferer,  or at least that's almost it since I lack the proper word to describe it. I don't get why I shouldn't just stay in my boundary and not... you know, interfere with others.

But hell if I actually obeyed to that philosophy.

Cuz like I said, I'm stubborn, in ways that I shouldn't be.

I should be strong in protecting my cheek from being wet by tears.

but my strength lies in a place where I should never have put any strength in.

I guess I'm just an idiot that never learns, no matter what happens. Na?

Tonikaku, kono mama ni ugokenaide. Nami to isshouni nagareteiku ho ga ii.

Bahagia

Terima kasih Ya Allah, sebab sudi bagi aku bahagia.

Walau sedikit cuma.

Dan walau sedikit derita datang menemaninya.

Aku sedang bahagia, dan aku belum mahu melepaskan rasa yang jarang singgah dalam hidup aku ni.

Mohon diri tidak mengada, dan mohon takdir tak ambil bahagia aku secara tiba-tiba.

Aku tahu kita takkan selamanya bahagia, tapi sementara ia ada, biar aku hidup dengan dia.

Beri aku sedikit lagi masa untuk aku rasa.

Aman tanpa cela.

Senyum, tak perlu kata apa apa :)

Hai. Selamat hari baru.

Aku cuma nak kata,

Mungkin salah aku juga, dah kata pada diri, jangan mengada.

Tapi silap sana sini tu biasa, aku manusia.

Cuma aku tetap teguh dengan apa yang aku kata. Itu je.

*senyum*

But I don't stay wrongly wired for long. 

And I think I'm fine now. Not fully but satisfactorily.

Apologies goes to whomever this little being inflicted upon, regrettably.

..........

Maa docchi demo ii,

Kenka mo hoshikunai shi.

Kono mama de ii, nanimo wakaranai mo ii.

Naze nara, watashi wa mou kangaetakunai.

Sore dake.

:)

Wish

I really wish, you'd have more faith in me, sayang.

Maybe, it seemed that I went a little bit overboard, but love, I still know where I stand. I've been reminded so much of where I stand, it's already carved deep inside me.

Maybe, I seemed a little too close for comfort. But comfort was the only thing I am looking for. Nothing more, and nothing less.

Maybe, I seemed a little too eager for my own good, but those eagerness does not bring hidden meanings in them.

I know, I understand. You were just reminding, for my own good. You saw me fell and you don't want me to slip again, I understand.

And I am not mad for that. Instead, I thank you. It's a simple practice of "an apple a day keeps the doctor away". I know.

Cuma sayang, aku mohon cuma satu. Aku tak kisah kalau aku yang merasai. Aku cuma tak mahu orang lain sakit sebab aku.

Cuz you see, it's very hard for me to be comfortable with new people.

If how I am behaving right now is wrong, then I'll promise I'll behave. So just, keep it normal. I won't be slipping to where I shouldn't. Don't make the person uncomfortable because of me.

Because apparently I do that a lot.

So please, just this once, could you help me?