Monday, August 12, 2013

I stare at the wreckage in front of me.

Pieces scattered all over the floor, like a broken china.

I bent down and picked one up after another, trying to put it all together, trying to make sense of the mess before me.

My fingers bleed, and tears wet my cheek.

But I didn't stop.

Because these pieces are my life,  and no matter how painful or hard it is, I have to make it work.

Because this is my life.

We don't get a second chance in living our life, after all.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Watashi no jinsei kaeshite kudasai.

Hai. Selamat Hari Raya.

Hari Raya ae? Hmm. Aku sbnanye tak terasa pun suasana hari raya tu. Sebab apa aku kurang pasti lah tapi yang penting raya taun ni cam tak semeriah yang aku expect.

Tapi tu cerita lain. Kita simpan untuk hari lain.

Harini, aku nak bukak crita lain. Cerita di mana hidup selalu tak adil... dengan aku.

Aku taktau berapa banyak kali dah aku mengomel benda yang sama. Hidup tak pernah adil dengan aku.

Certain will say, ala.. lex lah. Normal la hidup camtu. You don't live in a world where everything you want will be in your hands. No. There are some things you have to learn to let go.

Aku rasa, dalam dua dekad aku hidup ni, aku boleh dikira penyabar la kot. Campak la ape pun kat aku, aku tak kesah. Paling2 aku nangis. Marah sesikit. Sentap sekejap ke. Pastu esok ok lah balik.

Sebab tu aku rasa aku still survive hidup dalam keadaan camni. Haha.

Oh, I'm well aware. I am, in most parts of my life, more fortunate than others. I'm not rich, no, but my finances are satisfactory. I'm not a genius, no, but I still manage to survive till my completed 1st year Degree with satisfactory results (according to me, that is). I have close friends, whom bonds are like siblings to me.

Tak, hidup aku tak perfect. Just enough, orang kata. Maa maa desu.

So, where exactly is the unfairness, you would ask.

Let me just clarify one.

I completely lost my freedom. Or rather, I never had one, and was never given one.

You see, I live with my path already set out for me. I live by how others around me dictate, where to walk, where to turn, where to stop. At first, I was contented with that. So long as I follow what they say, I'll be safe and sound.

But then as I grow up, I realized. A young bird will eventually leave it's nest. And so will I, one day.

Young birds are taught the necessary skills they need to survive by their own later when they leave by their own. They are taught to hunt, to find shelter, to build their own nest.

But when I look back at my past, I see nothing. I don't see the skills that should be equipped by me as I grow up. I fail at house chores, cooking, mannerisms, directions, personal relations and a lot more. It's as if, up until now, I never once move my legs to my will. It's all their will, but never mine.

Going shopping by my own, or going to a friend's house for a visit, or even to discuss schoolworks. I never had the chance for any of them. Not once.

Am I the idiot then? For letting them bind me in this silver cage?

Should I have screamed out my voice earlier in my life then, to make them see that I too, have a life of my own?

I know, they're family. They're the ones who brought me to the world, and without them I wouldn't be here.

But really, is it wrong to only ask of a simple wish? I am not rebelling, I'm just asking for something that was originally mine.

Give me back my rights to my life. Let me learn to walk by my own feet, moved by my own will.

Monday, August 5, 2013


"You either grab a moment, or let it pass. "

For the decades that I have lived, I think that I have chosen the latter choice, when those moments came to my life.

Moments when I should have done something about it, but I let it pass.

Moments when I should have treasured it, but I let it pass.

Moments when I should let it immerse myself in temporary happiness, but I let it pass.

Is that stupidity,  I wonder?
Or was there other reasons that led me to let it pass rather than grabbing it and make it mine?

But maybe, just maybe, some of those moments are better off passed.

Because maybe, some of those moments are not meant for me.