Rasa bersalah.

"Mungkin kau terasa tak selesa sekarang, rasa nak marah, aku tau, aku faham.
Tapi mohon, bagi aku masa. 
Itu je satu aku minta.
Masing-masing ada hidup sendiri, aku harap kau faham."

That was my status kat FB. In an attempt to ease my guilt. Sebab its been days since aku tak contact dgn dia. I was just trying to apologize, really, even though aku tak sure itu perlu ke tidak.

Sebab in all honesty, aku ni lembut. Most of the time I act tough, tapi hati aku tetap lembut. Aku cepat marah tapi aku tak marah lama. Paling2 aku megun je.

Mungkin korang tak faham sebanarnya menda aku bebel ni.

Ok aku cerita.

From my previous post, I've told that aku dah 'berbaik' dengan Mr Z, a chance to maybe get it on again.
So we've been contacting.
But he got on my nerve again.
So I ignored him.

Then again, aku busy. Dengan kena jaga nieces aku, kema tunang, final exam, my time is very occupied.

So I ignored him more.

Then today, aku teringat pasal ni. Aku nak start the conversation aku tak berani. So I just made that status just in case.

Even though aku rasa mungkin status tu mungkin cam cari gaduh.

Tapi tu bukan ceritanya. Bila aku pergi profile dia, I saw this 6 days thing in his profile. Turns out, ayah dia di hospitalized.

Dan tetiba aku rasa bersalah. Sebab aku menambah lagi beban kat dia when he's in a rut. Aku tetiba cam rasa aku jahat pulak. Aku taktau ini normal atau tak, so lemme ask. Should I, or should I not feel guilty?

But regardless the answer, aku masih rasa guilty.

Dan sekarang aku macam rasa nak nangis, nak hentak kepala atas meja. Nak jerit kuat2.

Anything that can rid this heavy feeling i'm bearing.

Macam fcuk la. Kenapa tiap kali aku baru nak bahagia aman sekejap, ada yang lain mengacau. Ape jahat sangat ke aku ni?

Aku tak tau. But I need a shoulder to cry on. Though I bet the tears won't fall easily. You know, it's that kind of feeling bila kau nak nangis tapi tak leh nangis.

Damn, messed up siot hidup aku.

Nasib la sara, nasib...